Your Personality Isn’t Fixed. Here’s How to Get Better at People
I, like any female raised on a steady diet of Teen Vogue, love a good quiz. I love the idea that a new window into who I am will be just the thing I need to figure life out. I am especially drawn to the quizzes that help you identify aspects of your personality. OCEAN, Enneagram, Human Design, Myers-Briggs, DISC, you name it, I’ve taken it. So, a few weeks ago, in a burst of New Year New You enthusiasm, I retook the 16Personalities test. It told me I am an ESFJ-A. For the uninitiated, that’s Extroverted, Observant, Feeling, Judging, and Assertive. This personality type is also known as “People Mastery” and the primary strength is social connection. No surprise there. ;)
I have this theory, a hot take, if you will, that introversion has become a convenient explanation, a socially acceptable shorthand for why people don’t socialize. In reality, they are shy or socially anxious, but they are using the label of introversion as a way to avoid the fact that their social experience is within their control and could be improved upon. By saying you are an introvert like it’s an immutable piece of your identity, you are, most likely, using it as a shield to hide behind.
Introversion is simply a preference for less stimulating environments. That’s it. It has zero to do with how capable you are of connecting with people. It also exists on a spectrum. Even the most “introverted” person will light up and be gregarious in a setting where they are doing an activity they love with people who also enjoy it. We tend to confuse preference with proficiency. Nonetheless, the prevailing opinion of the day is that introvertedness is either something you are or aren’t.
And that brings us back to the personality test. The most interesting thing about it? I have the results from the last time I took it in April of 2019. My profile was ISFJ-A. According to this test, in just about six years, I crossed the introvert–extrovert line, that this aspect of who I am has fundamentally changed. This insight is both fascinating and validating. It’s fascinating because I didn’t try it. There was no intention on my part to increase my extraversion. It is simply a snapshot of who I have become over time. But it is validating because it clearly demonstrates that this trait exists on a spectrum and also that is changeable.
As Olga Khazen says in her book Me, But Better, personality is what you habitually, automatically do without thinking about it. It’s a reflex. She continues with
“Introversion (can be used) as an excuse to withdraw from life. If you don’t want to be quite so anxious or isolated anymore, you can live differently. A new, slightly improved personality can make you happier, more successful and more fulfilled. It can help you enjoy your life, rather than just endure it.”
The ability to change is something we all possess. Learning and practicing skills to make you more of who you want to be is one of the most gratifying human experiences. The first step to change is recognizing that you want more. The second step is finding the story you are telling yourself that’s holding you back and then rewriting that story. If you feel awkward in social situations and you don’t want to feel that way, it doesn’t mean you are an introvert. It just means you are unpracticed. Confidence is built, not innate. Instead of labeling yourself, decide who you want to be and work to become that person.
If this article resonated, you might enjoy a deeper dive into building your social skills and expanding your circle. Let’s do it together. Get started here.
