The reason you want anything is for the feeling that thing will give you. At first glance, you might balk at this statement. No, I really do want a vacation to the sun-drenched tropics this winter! (If you are from the Northeast like me and winter is looming upon you, you might agree.) The vacation, though, is just the means to an end. You actually want to be warm, relaxed, unplugged, energized, free, etc. A tropical trip gets you those feelings so you pin your daydreams on it. Let’s think about money for a moment. Do we want the dollars themselves? Or do we want what they make possible: security, freedom, the confidence that comes from knowing we can handle what life throws at us? We chase the feelings money provides, not the bills themselves.

Relationships work in a very similar way. We don’t just want people in our lives. We want the feelings they bring: belonging, support, encouragement, fun, laughter, and the sense that we matter. A mentor doesn’t just give advice, they make you feel capable. A teammate doesn’t just share resources, they make you feel seen and included. You don’t want a BFF for the matching heart necklaces. You want a BFF to have somebody who gets you, shares inside jokes with you, makes you feel like you’re not alone.

I wrote in the Hidden Wealth of Connections about realizing I had been underconnected. I was involved and volunteering but I wasn’t being seen in ways that mattered. It wasn’t just about the names or titles; it was about what those connections could make possible: the feeling of being heard, the reassurance that I could influence outcomes, the sense of belonging.

Maybe you realize you are underconnected and want whatever feelings you need from relationships. You understand what you are missing and want to start showing up and building social wealth. The first step, the most basic thing you have to have is courage. You also need to feel confident in yourself and your ability to connect with others. I call that social confidence. It’s not about being the loudest in the room, having all the right words, or impressing anyone. It’s about being able to engage intentionally with other humans, to navigate interactions comfortably, and to build rapport.

Social confidence is what gets you off the couch. It’s the foundation that allows you to start finding the relationships to produce the outcomes and the feelings we truly want. When you have it, you can step into conversations without hesitation, advocate for yourself, and take initiative towards creating your dreams. Before your relationships can give back to you, you have to have the ability to make them.

Learning the skill of social confidence is important at every stage of life: for teens navigating college and internships, for college grads looking to enter the workforce, for professionals growing their careers, for anyone seeking to make their voice heard in a community or organization. Feeling capable and confident in these moments is what turns ordinary connections into the relationships that actually move your life forward.

So, we don’t want relationships for their own sake, we want the feelings they create. The best way to access those feelings consistently is to first invest in your own social confidence. You don’t have to wait for the “right” opportunity or hope that connections magically appear. Social confidence is a skill you can learn and strengthen. Every small, intentional step you take to show up, engage, and practice these skills compounds over time. Build relationships that lift you and those around you. The opportunities, influence, and sense of belonging follow naturally.

Ready to strengthen the foundation that makes every relationship possible?
If you want to build your social confidence—the kind that helps you show up, connect intentionally, and create the relationships that move your life forward—I’d love to support you.
Whether you’re building your own social wealth, developing young people, or shaping stronger teams and communities, you don’t have to figure it out alone. Stay connected for upcoming workshops, tools, and ways to work together.

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